Three Words, Three Lies. It's Time For A Change.
"I'm worthless. I can't do this. I'll never be good enough."
The saddest thing I've seen lately is the number of people who use the hashtag worthless on Twitter or say tweet these awful words. It is heartbreaking to see the number of teens that use it as a way to describe themselves. I did this thing a few days ago called "Self Worth Wednesday." I created it as a means for Dream On Youth to connect with the outside world and bring hope back to our youth. I told people that they are worthy. That they deserve happiness, life, and love. That they are beautiful. I had an overwhelming response from the few people I tweeted and all of them were so thankful for what I said. Do not ask me why this morning I decided to look up that awful hashtag again. I couldn't tell you. I can tell you that I sat on Twitter for at least 30 minutes to an hour replying to people. Reminding them of these things they seemed to have forgotten.
"You are worthy of love, life, and happiness. You deserve to chase all of your dreams. You are capable and you are so beautiful."
It stung to read the first quote in this post though, didn't it? Welcome to the world I've been living in lately. Worthless, can't, never are all used so much. No, it's not what I've been saying to myself. These are things I've been seeing people tweet or type on Tumblr. These are the things people are saying to themselves day and night. These are the things they've been listening to. This post is something close to my heart. I used to think about every single one of these things in high school. It didn't help that people who were supposedly my friends were calling me "emo" and "fake." People who didn't know the whole story.
This is something I said I'd wait until tour to discuss. Something that I used to say I would take to my grave. Something that most of my family members and most people don't know. My heart is full of mixed feelings but I will post this because someone needs this. They need to see that you can hit rock bottom and end up as bright as the sun one day.
The following information may be triggering due to the mention of suicide and suicidal ideation. Please proceed with caution.
I tried to kill myself when I was a sophomore or junior in high school. For those of you reading this who went to my high school, yeah bet you didn't see that one coming. I was going through a really bad period. My best friend at the time was the only one who knew I was struggling. I would write her letters while she was away but her letters back just made me cry more.
I never actually cut myself. I never actually took pills. "So how do you know how I feel? How do you know anything?" Look, I didn't have to cut or take pills to know how worthless I felt. That I was never going to be loved the way I wanted to be. That I was never going to accomplish anything great. This may be the most twisted sort of self-harm but I would watch myself in the mirror. I would watch as I held the scissors above my wrist. I would tell myself "you're worthless. you're a coward. you won't amount to anything. nobody will ever love you. they're right. you're fat and ugly." I was mentally tearing myself down until I felt nothing but emptiness.
And one night, it got worse. I wrote a suicide letter to my family. I told them, and this may be the most selfish thing I've ever said, that "I was sorry. I knew they cared about me but I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't deserve to be alive and no longer wanted to be. They couldn't do anything to make me stay here." I got the tiny scissors from the bathroom while everyone was asleep, went into my room, and stood by the lamp. The scissors barely touched me and I broke down. I dropped them. I sat there on the ground in tears. I couldn't do it. I don't know why but I just couldn't.
While you may think that was the last of that, the next day when I came home from school I couldn't find my parents. I walked up to my room to put my stuff down and there they were. My mom was in tears and she rarely cries. I looked at what she was reading over at my desk. She had found the note. I sat there for a second and when she looked at me, I lost it. It was almost out of the body after that. I don't really remember what happened but I do know never to make my mother cry like that again. To never see the look on her face again. She thought she had lost her only daughter and I nearly ruined her life. My dad just hugged me. I remember that.
I struggled with self-confidence and self-worth for a long time after that. I didn't really have a good view of myself until I was about 22. It's not to say it will take that long for everyone. That was just my personal experience. But now, look at me. I run Dream On Youth. I started it from nothing. At a time when I had hit another bump in the road.
I am proof that you can come out of this though. You can be depressed, suicidal, and feel so unworthy but your life can change. I don't want people to have to go through what I went through to see these things. I don't want you to have to see the look on someone's face when they find that letter. I want you to be alive, happy, and healthy. I want everyone to feel that way. No matter what they're going through, to know they're not alone. Dream On Youth is here for you. We always will be. Lows, highs, it doesn't matter. We will be here to remind you of how truly special and incredible you are.
But, will you do us a favor? Will you eliminate the words worthless, can't, and never out of your vocabulary?
I did.